Realizing
by Darla Kane
Summary: Angel's thoughts after running up the stairs in the last scene of "WITW"


title: "Realizing"  
  
author: Darla Kane  
  
e-mail: DarlaB@gmx.de  
  
website: http://www.angelicquotes.de.vu  
  
distribution: Angelic Quotes, AI - anyone else just ask! :)  
  
rating: G  
  
pairing: Cordy/Angel & Buffy/Angel  
  
disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters - they all belong to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy, WB, 20th Century Fox etc.  
  
spoilers: Angel season 3 esp. "Waiting In The Wings" and bits of Buffy 5.22 & season 6  
  
summary: Angel's thoughts after running up the stairs in the last scene of "WITW"  
  
feedback: YES PLEASE!!!!!!  
  
  
  
I thought I knew what pain was when I left Sunnydale and Buffy. Back then I thought it'd be the right choice to make - but in the end it left both of us broken-hearted. She kind of managed to move on - dated some guy called Riley - but she told me that they've broken up by now. So much about moving on... but at least she gave it a try. I on the other hand couldn't just move on. Not only because of the curse, also because I still loved her - because I thought she'd always be the only girl that could touch my unbeating heart. But somewhere back along the line things changed, I guess.  
  
When she died, it hurt like hell, the very thought ripped me apart... At first I thought that I'd really not be able to handle it this time but after a while the pain faded. It wasn't like she didn't mean anything to me anymore... It just wasn't like a part of me had died with her as I had always expected it to be like. I suppose that's when I started to realize that I've changed without noticing it, being so used to the sadness that the thought of Buffy and me being apart always awoke.  
  
When Willow called to tell me that Buffy's alive again and the two of us finally saw each other... It also felt different - to hold her in my arms, to soothe her... there was still love but it seemed as if the magic was gone. Though I forced myself to not see it, to just deny such a change, I gotta admit in retrospect that we both were just two past lovers who never had a future and who had finally given up holding on to their little fairy tale romance - and it was just our final goodbye. I still wonder if we would have made it if I had had the courage to stay and let her decide on her own three years ago. But I took that choice from her - and when I realized what being without her meant, it was too late...  
  
... too late... that term's also fitting to describe the way I feel right now. Seeing Cordy and Groo just tore me apart. Cordelia... I don't even remember when it happened but today I've realized that Lorne's right - I love her! When I went to L.A., I thought I'd never be able to love someone else. And blinded by that belief I did not even notice that our friendship turned into love. What a fool I am! For three years I've been working side by side with this woman and I need someone else to explain to me what I feel for her. But it's too late... She's with Groo now. He'll make her happy. And as always he can give her all the things that I couldn't. What would I have to offer? Nothing besides a broken heart... A broken heart that she always managed to lighten up a little whenever I needed it. Especially after Buffy's death and when I came back from my trip... She just understood.  
  
I still can't believe she gave up her chance of superstardom when she saw how I would have suffered if the Powers had passed the visions on to me instead of her. She didn't mention that part of the story to the others but she had stayed late that night, her birthday, and told me. It made me happy to know that she cared about me... If I had only already realized my feelings for her back then. I really should have. 'Cause I've never felt so helpless as on that day - I thought I'd lost her. And just the very thought was too painful to bear. I wanted to hold her just to make sure that she was really back... but I didn't. At least not for long... a part of me gave in for a few seconds - till the walls I've built around me since I left Buffy were there again. But kissing Cordelia tonight broke them down for good finally. It was so much more than just the magic of those spirits. Deep inside I also felt my heart beating again, willing to give her all my love...  
  
I wonder if she felt the same, I wonder if she might have realized it if Groo hadn't shown up... I wonder... Why now? Why of all times did he have to come *now*? Now when I'd give everything to tell her... When I see Connor lying her beside me, I am reminded of the evening the three of us lay here - Cordelia giving him his bottle... It warmed my heart watching them. A thought stroke me then... // Like a small family // It almost felt normal... But what right to normalcy does a vampire have anyway? What right to love?  
  
I smile at my son and give him a kiss on his small forehead... and sigh... // Guess it's just us, my little boy... and that's gotta be enough. // 


End file.
